Beautiful Places & Peace

  Today I find myself at peace. Here I sit in a quiet garden in my hidden spot just feeling like everything is going to be ok. Not that everything is ok, no it's not, but I'm at ease because it will be.

   A few days ago I sat in this exact spot, my heart in turmoil, with fears and anxiety, playing the "what if" game. I don't like that game and, truth be told, that game can rip a person apart, which is what it was doing to me. I've never been a person of doubt, self pity, or negativity, which is probably why I was hit so hard by those thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was drowning and the only way out was an instant, full, and complete recovery for my son. I prayed for peace. I prayed, not for health and recovery of the body, but health and recovery of my soul, so that I could continue to be the pillar of strength that is so desperately needed in our current situation.

  I can't say that my inner peace came instantly, it took a few days. It takes me a little bit to find my inner calm, but I can say that as I sat in the lobby, listening to a volunteer playing beautiful piano music I knew my storm had passed, and I wonder now, as I listen to the fountain and take in the beautiful colors of the garden all around me, how many others have found their peace in the serenity of a garden.

A Normal Life

  There are times in my life that I wish my children could live normal childhoods. You know, the one in which life is peachy and the roses smell beautiful. One where going outside to play with friends doesn't involve the questions "Are you sure you feel up to it?" and "Have you taken your medicine?"

Most of the time life's challenges are not so great that I wish for normality, I mean, if I were completely honest here I'd say I'm kinda into the weirdness. In situations like our current one, however, I can honestly say I would welcome the chance for my child to live like a normal, healthy, 14 year old, with an emphasis on the healthy part.

  Today is day 2 of his most recent hospital stay and it's relatively safe to say that we'll be here a while longer. While I realize that his diseases and conditions have helped him become the absolutely amazing person that he is today, I'd like to think that even without these issues he would still be wonderful, just a healthy wonderful, a non-bitter wonderful, a non-tired, non-scared wonderful, and I long for that for my beautiful son.

  It's amazing the transformation that occurs when you take a fighter and put him somewhere where he feels he doesn't have to. A few days ago we were out in the sun with friends at an amusement park. Yes, he was tired, & yes we all knew it, but he still felt the need to "look" ok. As I sit and watch him sleep today I can see that all of that pretense is gone. He no longer needs to "look" ok and instead has given in to the rest that his body so desperately needs. The rest that will ideally bring healing, healing that will give him the strength to fight, fight so that he can continue to live, living for a cure that is not to far away.

Learning New Things

  Tonight I found myself thinking about how much I have learned since having kids and how much I have always loved to learn new things. I want to clarify before I go any further with this post that I do still have a love of learning, it's just that alot of the things that I have learned in the past 15 years or so were not things that I expected to ever have knowledge of.
  Since I have had kids I have learned about life, love, and kindness. Being a parent (and wife) has provided me with all of the love I could ever possibly need and what I have learned and enjoyed learning as I have grown into the parent that I am now isn't exactly what this blog post is about.
  I can think back to when I was in high school and think of all of the things that I loved to read about, all of the plans I had for teaching kids and enriching minds about every subject and I can tell you now that never once did I consider teaching kids about life threatening, and debilitating diseases. I can safely say that I certainly did not plan on learning how to teach my own children about things like insulin, lung function, and neurosurgery.. heck, I didn't have a clue about those things myself.
  I now find myself learning something new everyday, something to do with the disabilities that my sons have. Just recently some of the hardest things I had to teach my children were how inflammation and bacteria in the lungs afect breathing and longevity. Of course that was not the end of the learning because we are now all in the process of learning about diabetes, type 1, and how blood sugar and insulin relate to the condition.
  The things we are learning right now are only a small part of all of the knowledge I have gained while helping my children learn to cope, fight, and survive thier disabilities. I've learned about things like pulmonary function testing, intercranial pressure, spastic diplegia, and spatial awareness, among many other issues and symptoms. Not typical things people plan to learn when they become parents, but the things I have learned have been the difference between life and death and have become really my center focus.
  So tonight I found myself contemplating just how much I have learned, have yet to learn, and how nice it would be if I just don't have any new crash courses in health related issues.

30 Days of Thankful

I've been waiting, I really want to have a list of all of my thankful posts that I have been doing on facebook.. so I am going to list them on here, now that they are all done. This is really, kind of a personal tool for reflection, so please bare with me..

Day 1: I am thankful for my mommy :)

Day 2: I am thankful that we made it through LAX traffic and still have all of our hair :)

Day 3: I am truly thankful for the bond of friendship that has been forged over many years and will forever be an irreplaceable part of my life.

Day 4: I am thankful for Matt. There are no words that can describe what he means to me.

Day 5: I am thankful that I was lucky enough to stumble apon the Dr. Greene website so many years ago, if not for that chance encounter I would have never met some of my dearest friends!

Day 6: I am thankful for the advancements in medicine that have allowed for my child to still be alive.

Day 7: I am thankful for my monsters, whom I love with all of my heart.

Just realized that I forgot to be thankful on Day 8: I am thankful that no matter what my Wywy can make me smile. Who knew such a strong headed, rambunctious, and honery little man could possibly be so sweet, thoughtful, caring and sensitive.. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing baby.

Day 9: Today I am thankful for Joe, a complete stranger who I met while on a walk today. If the world had more real people, who just enjoy stopping and talking with each other, maybe.. just maybe.. there wouldn't be so much hate.


Day 10: I am thankful that I was lucky enough to find Jasmin.. just have to love the weekly park dates and having such a special friend :)

Day 11: I am thankful for my freedom, for which I owe the Veterans and current members of the United States Military.

Day 12: Very thankful that I had a few days to spend with my parents before they went home yesterday.


Day 13: I am thankful for sleep.. to sleep soundly, like a baby, just one night, offers the body and soul a chance to heal and to prepare for the next 364 nights in which sound sleep is but a scatter of interrupted dreams ;)

Day 14: Today I am thankful for memories. Regardless of whether they are good or bad, they represent the various stages of my life that have led to where I am today and I could not be in a better place than where I am now, with a wonderful family and lifetime friends. Thank you to everyone that has contributed to these wonderful memories.

Day 15: I am thankful for quiet time.. time to sit and gather thoughts and bring back inner peace. I don't typically have, want, or need quiet time, but sometimes, just every once in a while, it is very much needed and it certainly works wonders.


Day 16: Today I am thankful for homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and all of the other simple things life has to offer.

Day 17: I am thankful for the Holiday season. The magic in the air and the beauty of it all brings back the smell of homemade bread and chocolate pie.. I can close my eyes and picture the ride to grandma's house on Christmas morning when I was a kid, I used to always hope it would snow.. and when I'd see the frost on the ground I would think, just for a second, that maybe it had.

Day 18: I am very thankful that Wy's room actually does have a floor, with carpet and all that jazz.. I found it tonight after hours of cleaning up toys and organizing.

Day 19: I am very thankful that we are renting this house and don't own it, the mess with the sewage, plumbing backup, and clog in the main pipes, may have caused us a HUGE mess, but hey.. I don't have to pay to fix it at least...

Day 20: Ok, so I was so busy yesterday that I forgot to be thankful.. unfortunately, forgetting to be thankful seems to be a habit of alot of people, which I admit I am one of. I am very grateful that, for at least 30 days out of the year I take the time to remember just how thankful I really should be.. so for day 20 I guess you can say, I'm thankful for being thankful, lol :)


Day 21: Again, I'm late again, but I am very thankful to have my family all safe and sound with me for the holiday feast...


Day 22: Today I am thankful that the hours spent in the kitchen were so worth it and that we had such a wonderful family holiday.


Day 23: Today I am thankful for Duston, well, actually I am thankful every day of my life for my oldest son. The world was made so much of a better place when he has born and it only gets better with every passing day because of how wonderfully special he is. I love you my amazing Dudun.

Day 24: I am very thankful for the break from school we've had for this whole week!


Day 25: I am thankful for the Sunday evening spent at the park. It really does a person good to be able to hang out talking and enjoying good company!


Day 26: I am thankful for the month we've had with very few appointments, it has been such a pleasant break from reality.. now today we are starting back with the normal routine.. busy busy busy.

Day 27: Very thankful for the help with getting the house ready for the walk through, what a wonderful hubby I have :)

Day 28: Today I am thankful for support. The kind of support that I feel when I talk to friends, family and others that have been through trauma. I am eternally grateful that I do not walk this walk alone and while everyone's trials are different, and it is impossible to know what to say or do in every situation, just knowing that I have people that care is most awesome :)

Day 29: Tater, Corina, Aunt Betty, Aunt Lynda, and Cheri.. this one is totally about you. I am incredibly grateful to have you wonderful people in my life. Thank you so much for everything you do, from being my comrade and best friend for over 20 years, to stepping up and back into my life again just when I really needed you, to commenting on posts and keeping life real and comfortable, to answering emergency phone calls about unwanted people popping into our lives out of the blue, to giving unwavering support and ALWAYS being there at ever stressful surgery or emergency that you can possibly get too as well as any birthday party no matter whether it is an hours drive through fog, You guys are the absolute best and I could not possibly be more thankful for you all :) There are so many other names that I could list on here.. and as I write the post I keep thinking of more.. please know that I am very grateful for each and every friend and family member that I have.. even those that are only through the 'net (so far, at least :)). and I am not intentionally leaving anyone out..

 

Day 30: This is the day that is really the hardest for me to put into words.. I have saved my last day for Andy. I am truly grateful for so many things about Andy. His beautiful smile, his warm heart, and his goofy sense of humor all brighten my days, everyday. II have learned so much through knowing him, I am grateful for the lessons in humility, thoughtfulness, devotion, and most of strength tha...

t I have learned by watching him live his life to the very fullest he can and never once even dreaming of giving in or up. I could never be grateful enough for the love that I get from my mamas boy. My heart aches just thinking that there have been so many times that I could have lost my wonderful, beautiful, darling boy.. I am so thankful that I still have my Andy.. I am so thankful that he has not been ripped away from me during the many, many times that he could have been. I am so very blessed, and so very grateful.

 

 

Well.. there it is, my month of gratefulness..

Strength

What is strength?

  To answer this question I have to dig deep and consider what kind of strength am I contemplating.. certainly not the physical kind, while this kind of strength is astonishing at times, it is not the subject which is really on my mind. No strength, to me, comes from somewhere inside a person. Maybe it is partly a personality trait, but I believe that it develops with life experience as well.
  I like to think that I am someone with a lot of inner strength. Staying strong is my coping mechanism when times get tough and life's stresses are trying to tear me down. Looking back over the past several years I can see times that I could have easily folded, if not for my belief in this strength. I guess having confidence in my coping abilities has really been a source of strength for me, but in reality I know that most of my strength comes not only from within, but also from outside sources.
  For the past 13 years I have been learning about strength by observing someone very special, my son Andrew. Andy has an inner strength that shines through him and radiates onto everyone in his presence. He has dealt with more turmoil, sadness, and life threatening situations in his 13 years than most people deal with in their entire lives, and yet, he continues on, with his head held high, still working to conquer the world. It is the kind of strength, a willfulness, that he possesses that inspires me to continue on, even when I'm tired, or my resolve is growing thin.
  The vibrant strength that radiates from Andrew also shows itself, in another way, through my oldest son, Duston. My 15 year old has an inner beauty that is quiet and unobtrusive. He shows me on a daily basis what it means to truly be a good person. He doesn't have to try to be a good person, he just is, it's part of his being and just as strength in personality radiates from Andrew, sensitivity and compassion shine through my oldest sons eyes and touch the people that take the time to get to know him. It is the way he walks through life, just simply caring about others in his quiet way, that I draw strength from.
  Life is not easy for Duston, he has challenges that he faces daily. He has hurdles to overcome that most people don't understand. He faces every challenge he comes across, and he does his best to work through every situation without worrying any one of the people that he loves. He sacrifices himself and his needs in order to make life easier for others and he does all of this while he deals with the never ending stress that his brother's cause him. The selflessness that encompasses my son helps me to see that while my dealing with the things that happen in my life is certainly stressful, being strong is part of who I am, just like putting others before him is part of who Duston is.
  When I lose myself, when I start to feel weak, I draw strength from these two very special people in my life. So, strength to me is more than just a simple answer, it is something that comes from inside ones mind and heart, and also from what ever inspires a person to continue on.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/christybee/8191777439/in/photostream

First things first

  Writing a blog has been in the back of my mind for a long time. I've considered using this sort of forum as a sort of outlet for stress and inner thought, I haven't done so in the past simply because I am a relatively private person when it comes to the really hard things in life. I like to think I possess inner strength and the thought that airing out my life might reveal some sort of weakness has probably been my biggest deterrent in becoming a blogger.
  I only have a few friends that write blogs, and I follow a few country cooking blogs, but really only on occasion, so blogging is really new to me. I decided to give it a go, even though my words will probably not come out as eloquently as I would like. I'm really unsure about my intentions for the direction of my postings on here, hopefully not too much rambling and hopefully I can be dedicated enough to keep the writing going.